Adult Mistakes against Young People

Often we are shocked by the violent actions of some of our young people. Rarely do we understand that these young people have been raised by our society, its values and mindset. The question then becomes “What values are we teaching our young?” Many times we teach our children and youth things we don't intend to teach them. We tell them to do one thing but will model something else.

Schools which are supposed to be children and youth appropriate and friendly are who we depend upon instead of actively being involved. For example we expect children to be quiet at a certain time, as it was at a school assembly where football players which shared an anti drug message and inspired the youth to cheer and be loud. Yet, not even a minute after the Principle asked the students to be quiet and make no sound in order to be dismissed. Unreasonable? Yes! Not only was it impossible to achieve, the messages were mixed leading to chaotic behavioral outbursts by random students.

Expectations for children and youth to be kind and compassionate and have great manners, is countered when we expose them to Ayn Rand books which promote selfishness and a ruthless ego. In her novels she describes that compassion and forgiveness are a weakness or even “a sin.” I have noticed through my work as a substitute teacher, several times that we want one thing but teach another. Movies in classrooms with derogatory language, that are approved and shown by the teachers, do not promote communication with respect. Not enough teachers expect enough from their students, yet, they are surprised why they have what they then often call “bad classes”. Those who have high standards, have well performing classrooms, they fulfill a calling not just a job. I have observed parents who meet these same standards. Parents who inspire, teachers who inspire versus those who perform on a “basement” level. I have seen parents reprimand children for bad language but they are using that same language toward their child.

When my son started high school there was a parent meeting at which the Principle spoke to us. At the end he said: “Not all will go to college, for that matter quite a few of the girls will end up pregnant and some won't graduate.” I was appalled. He set already expectations of failure for his new students. We teach our children that certain people have more value than others. We do so by making sure that rich schools have all the bells and whistles and the poor schools barely have art education or computers. If there was true equality, we would not teach our children inferiority of others by ignoring the homeless person on the side of the road, the families who have less, the mentally challenged and handicapped or school on the other side of the track. Our very societal makeup teaches children things we should not teach them by ignoring or pretending not to see what we ourselves fear, or that which interferes with the perfect ideal of what WE want life to look like or be.

We have become a complacent society letting the government be the good and bad guy. Since the government has been cracking down on child abuse, which it should of course, things have been happening which are harmful to children and youth. It's not their cracking down that is harmful, but it is the way they go about it. First, the programs are not sufficiently funded and the case workers are overworked. There is more broken than just that. Removing children from a household should only happen in absolutely very severe cases. Workers who have no life experiences, no reality of family structuring, no basis for teaching boundaries or coping skills are sometimes in those jobs, things which are actually part of the Family Services Department's mandate. Other countries have case workers which come into the families and teach these things to the parents enabling them to raise their children. We move in and destroy families. Personally I have witnessed a family destroyed when a 14 year old rebellious boy called DHS because his father slapped him. The children went into foster care. Now one of the girls who was at that time nine years old is into drugs; her family was destroyed and her safety splintered. Intervention with counseling and coping skills classes would have prevented the ending results in this and many other cases. I say this because I have heard of several such incidents. Ministers and Counselors are required by law to report suspected child abuse. However, we are given a terrible choice where either way the family may well be destroyed. As a country we put youths in foster care for one or another reason, then kick them out on their 18^th birthday. Some of them end up at a homeless shelter, most are under educated and are offered no expectations for betterment, becoming part of the “throw away” society created in part by DHS. They are ridiculed in school when other children find out they are foster program residents. They are overlooked by the teachers for the same reasons. I got this information from a friend who is a case worker. Not only is it mandatory that foster care parents to get rid of their children at age 18, there are many cases in which in regular families a young person is thrown out of their home because they are gay, or cannot get along with his/her parents for some reason. Many such cases exist around certain religious bases. What kind of future will the young people have?

It's hard enough to get a job when people are young, particularly in our economy. Now we are adding the stigma of homelessness because we don't want to be inconvenienced. We act as if raising children was already a burden enough and we don't want to be burdened any further, particularly if the child is not following our personal perception of the “right mold”. We as a society present that it is more often than not that we don't care what happens to our young people. We live in a myth that they are dangerous, yet, we are the ones who put them in impossible situations and then blame them for ending up taking drugs or even in jail. What kind of role models did they have? Should foster parents be required to see them through college or at least some sort of training? The reports from here in Oklahoma of recent, “ as seen on TV”, are that most foster homes are not as safe as the homes they were removed from in the first place. Abuse exists within the system itself and must be repaired.

We expect maturity but do not teach them self control. We will give them everything, if financially possible, they ask for in order to not disappoint a personal view of ourselves. We show them pseudo love. Yet, we hardly ever spend time with our children and youth when that is the most essential gift we can give and all they want. Spending time with someone is an expression of true love. We also hardly touch children anymore. Teachers are warned against touching children, parents do so less and less. We have never asked the question what will this do to our children?  Researcher and author, Dr. Caroline Leaf describes in her book: "Who Switched Off My Brain", some of her findings on the subject.

She describes “Touch literally as 'one of the most essential elements of human development,' a ' critical component of the health and growth of infants' and a ' powerful healing force.' Research shows touch deprivation causes negative change in the brain, laying the patterns for aggression and violence.”¹ 

Is our insistence that we do not touch  anyone, not even a child, because of all the sexual harassment lawsuits
actually backfiring? Are we and our children so deprived that our society is coming apart at its seams, because we have the tendency to throw the baby out with the bathwater? 

Teaching NO,  is also an extremely important part of that love. Youth often don't understand that NO if they have not been taught boundaries by their parents. Signs of lack of interest of parents and lack of boundaries are stealing, destruction of private properties, acting out when told no for doing things they should not do, or in other words “self destructive behavior” become the norm.

We give them sex education in schools so that they know the consequences of having sex. We do not teach abstinence. Instead of teaching young people responsibility and self-control we give them the pill so that sex will be safer, the morning after pill to undo the night before, and condoms to prevent STDs. Yet, that education has not changed the rate of teen pregnancy, the number of unwanted births, of deformities caused by side effects of the morning after pill. What we have been doing by that education and the pill is to condone their behavior. Amongst teens a girl not having sex has become an exception. We don't want the responsibility of doing what we know needs to be done about it, so we give in. On the other hand we look down on teens who are pregnant.

We do not allow for loss or failure. We are merciless when it comes to transgressions in our youth.

There are school systems in the USA which if a student misbehaves they will send that student immediately to jail. Children and youth cannot feel safe, they cannot trust the teachers who are supposed to teach them. If someone does not feel safe, they cannot learn. So first we create an unsafe learning environment, and then we are concerned why so many students are under performing. Most young people are terrified of failing so much so they off set that fear using anger, and outbursts of bad behavior.

We are forced to hunt down gangs, a mob of young people who are engaged in violent actions against society. We never gave them the nurture and time they needed from us as parents when they were growing up. So they had to create their own family, the gang. We expose our children and youth to inappropriate TV programming. We wouldn't let them watch when we are having sex (or so I hope), yet we have no scruples letting them watch it in a TV-show.

Children and Youth seem to learn best in hands-on learning environments. Yet, due to the standardized tests teachers don't have time to do hands-on teaching, they need to get the students to cram all the things in which will most likely be asked on that standardized test. The problem is, some students don't learn that way. Memorizing something they have not experienced is artificial knowledge and will be forgotten very soon. Again, we have set them up for failure.

Universities are not required to help students find jobs or create programs so that students can get the “market experience”. Instead of a promising future that education should give young people, they end up in a hundred thousand dollar nightmare enslaved by debt. There are many Universities who gladly take the money, for profit schools and even not-for-profit schools, but who are quite irresponsible. Our children need a lot of guidance and understanding that they are not getting to take the journey to further their education for free and that all their financial choices in college will haunt them later in life. I tried to enroll in a Master's degree for Education and curriculum development. I found out that this school's courses would not even qualify me to take the exams for school administration in my State. Yet, they gladly will break down how you can pay their monies. Many companies require 3 to 5 years experience in a field and that from University students who cannot possibly have such experience because it is not offered. We force young people between a rock and a hard place and are then surprised if they lash out or become desperate.

Besides all that there are other dangers which make life very unsafe for our children and youth. Particularly those who are homeless, poor and need to fend for themselves are at risk. There is unfortunately on a global scale something called Human Trafficking. Like with so many things we in the United States live such a good life, we don't even want to believe that this exits. Yet, it does.

And some of our children and youth who are not taken care of stand the risk of getting kidnapped into these kind of crime rings. Many girls end up as sex slaves, and boys often end up in forced labor. Human Trafficking is a blooming, hideous industry. The way we are treating our young, may cause many of them to end up there. The next time we blame our children and youth for things that are happening, we do well to look to ourselves and examine the way we treat them and teach them and which unreasonable expectations we have of them. We do well to teach them right from wrong and not expose them to things a young person has no business to be exposed to. By exposing them to unreasonable things we are harming their minds. Images are powerful and will often haunt them.

In order to heal their minds and lives we have to heal our own minds and lives.

Our lack of acknowledging a higher power, a trust in God, I believe has much to do in how we treat the young. The Bible admonishes us to teach our children and to love them and take care of them. It tells the father not to anger his children but also the children to honor father and mother. Yet, many do not learn of this. The result is quite visible. We need to re-evaluate our family life and live it with integrity and teach our young.

Instead of spending hours in front of the TV we must learn to spend time as family, study Scripture and pray as a family.

Instead of seeing youth as dangerous, we must learn to see them as the promised future.

Instead of seeing youth as a burden, we must learn to see them as God's gift and blessing.

Instead of zero-tolerance, we must bless them with mercy.

Instead of showering them with things, we must learn to shower them with our love.

Instead of exploiting the planet, we must learn to care for our resources so that we can leave a legacy not at debt to our children.

Instead of condemning them for their actions, we must learn to forgive them as we must repent and ask for forgiveness.

Instead of worrying about them we must pray for them and ourselves.

Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life.

1Dr. Caroline Leaf, Who Switched Off My Brain, (USA: Inprov. Ltd., 2009) 125.